Most couples have conflict. Disagreements, frustrations, and arguments are a normal part of sharing a life with another person. What distinguishes relationships that last from those that end is not whether couples fight, but how they fight.

 

Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman spent decades studying couples in his research lab, observing their interactions and tracking which relationships survived and which fell apart. Through this research, he identified four communication patterns that are particularly damaging to relationships. He called these patterns the Four Horsemen, and their presence in a relationship is a strong predictor of divorce or dissolution.

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The good news is that once you learn to recognize these patterns, you can begin to change them. Understanding what the Four

 

Horsemen are, why they are destructive, and what to do instead can transform the way you navigate conflict with your partner.

 

The First Horseman: Criticism

Criticism is a harsh way of bringing up a complaint. It differs from a healthy complaint because it uses blame, generalizations, and often words like "always" and "never." Criticism is still focused on behavior, on what your partner did or did not do, but it frames the behavior in a way that feels like an attack.

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What criticism looks like:

A complaint might sound like: "I felt hurt when you forgot to call. I was worried about you."

Criticism sounds like: "You forgot to call again. You never think about how that affects me."

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Both are addressing the same behavior, but the second one generalizes and blames. Other examples include: "Why can't you ever just..." "You always do this." "What's wrong with you?" The common thread is that criticism wraps a legitimate concern in language that attacks rather than invites.

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Why it becomes a pattern:

Criticism often develops when softer attempts to raise concerns have not worked. If a partner has tried to express needs gently and felt unheard, they may escalate to criticism out of frustration. Over time, criticism can become the default way issues get raised, especially if the relationship lacks effective tools for addressing problems.

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The impact on the relationship:

When criticism is the habitual way concerns get raised, your partner starts to feel like they cannot do anything right. They may stop hearing the legitimate concern underneath because they are too busy bracing against the delivery. Resentment builds on both sides: one partner feels unheard, the other feels constantly attacked.

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Criticism also tends to invite defensiveness, which shuts down the conversation before any real understanding can happen.

 

How to work on criticism:

The alternative to criticism is what Gottman calls a gentle startup. This means expressing your feelings about a specific situation and making a clear request, without blame or generalizations.

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Instead of: "You never call when you say you will."​

Try: "I felt worried when I didn't hear from you. Can we talk about checking in when plans change?"

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The formula is: describe the specific situation, express how you felt, and make a request. Leave out "always," "never," and statements about your partner's character or intentions.

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The Second Horseman: Contempt

Contempt goes beyond criticism. Where criticism attacks behavior, contempt attacks character. It communicates that your partner is fundamentally flawed, that you are superior to them, that they are beneath your respect.

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What contempt looks like:

Contempt can be verbal: sarcastic comments, name-calling, mocking, hostile humor, or direct attacks on your partner's worth as a person. It can also be nonverbal: eye-rolling, sneering, or expressions of disgust.

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Examples include: "You're pathetic." "What kind of person forgets something this important?" "Of course you would do that." (said with an eye roll) "Must be nice to be so clueless." The common thread is moral superiority. It says not just "you did something wrong" but "you are inadequate, and I am better than you."

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Where contempt comes from:

Contempt usually builds over time. It grows from unaddressed resentment, from concerns that were raised but never heard, from small frustrations that accumulated into something larger. By the time contempt is present, there is often a long history of feeling unappreciated, dismissed, or unimportant.

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Contempt is rarely where a relationship starts. It is where a relationship ends up when other problems have gone unaddressed for too long.

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The impact on the relationship:

Contempt is the most damaging of the Four Horsemen because it attacks the foundation of respect that healthy relationships require. When you treat your partner with contempt, you are no longer seeing them as your equal or your teammate. You are looking down on them.

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Research has found that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Couples who show high levels of contempt during conflict are far more likely to separate than those who fight without contempt. There is also evidence linking contempt to health problems, likely because the chronic stress of such interactions takes a toll on the body.

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How to work on contempt:

The antidote to contempt involves two things.

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First, addressing the underlying resentment that fuels it. What needs have gone unmet? What hurts have not been processed? Often this work requires revisiting old wounds and giving them the attention they never received.

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Second, intentionally building a culture of appreciation and respect. This means regularly expressing gratitude, noticing what your partner does well, and actively reminding yourself of their positive qualities, especially during conflict. Contempt thrives when the negative overwhelms the positive. Rebuilding fondness and admiration is essential to reversing the pattern.

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The Third Horseman: Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a way of protecting yourself from perceived attack. It can be triggered by actual criticism, but it can also arise when your partner is simply bringing up a concern or expressing a feeling. The issue is not always what your partner is doing; sometimes defensiveness is about how you are receiving what they say.

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What defensiveness looks like:

• Denying responsibility: "That's not what happened" or "I didn't do that"

• Dismissing your partner's concern: "You're overreacting" or "That's not a big deal"

• Deflecting: redirecting the conversation away from the issue at hand

• Counter-complaints: "Well, you did the same thing last week" or "What about the time you forgot?"

• Picking apart details to invalidate: focusing on specific words rather than the underlying message

 

Another common pattern is getting stuck on semantics rather than responding to the emotional need underneath. If your partner says "You're always on your phone during dinner," a defensive response might be: "That's not true. I wasn't on my phone last Tuesday." This technically accurate rebuttal misses the point entirely. Your partner is trying to express that they feel disconnected. Arguing about the accuracy of "always" avoids the real conversation.

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Similarly, if your partner says "You don't care about my feelings," a defensive response argues about whether "don't care" is fair, rather than hearing the hurt underneath. The conversation becomes about semantics instead of about what your partner actually needs, which is usually to feel heard and valued.

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Why defensiveness happens:

Defensiveness is a self-protective response. When we feel attacked or blamed, our instinct is to protect ourselves. This is true even when our partner is not actually attacking us. If we have a history of being criticized, or if we struggle with shame, we may hear criticism even in neutral statements.

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Defensiveness can also become a habit. If conflict in the relationship has historically involved blame, both partners may arrive at every conversation already braced for attack.

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The impact on the relationship:

Defensiveness shuts down communication. Your partner does not feel heard. Their concern, whether it was delivered perfectly or not, gets lost in the counter-response. Nothing gets resolved, and both people end the conversation feeling worse.

 

Defensiveness also tends to escalate conflict. When one partner raises an issue and the other responds by denying, deflecting, or counter-attacking, the first partner often pushes harder, trying to be heard. This can quickly turn a manageable disagreement into a major fight.

 

How to work on defensiveness:

The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility, even for a small part of the situation. This does not mean accepting all the blame or agreeing that you are entirely at fault. It means being willing to acknowledge your piece rather than immediately protecting yourself.

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A defensive response to "I felt hurt when you forgot our plans" might be: "I didn't forget, I just got busy, and anyway you change plans all the time."​

A non-defensive response might be: "You're right, I did forget. I'm sorry. I can see why that was hurtful."

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Taking responsibility is disarming. When you own your part, even a small part, your partner's need to push decreases. The conversation can shift from accusation and defense to understanding and repair.

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If you notice defensiveness arising, try pausing before responding. Ask yourself: what is my partner actually trying to tell me? What do they need from me right now? Often, they need to feel heard more than they need you to agree with every word they said.

 

The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction. This withdrawal can be physical, like leaving the room or going silent, but it can also be emotional. Emotional stonewalling might look like someone who is technically still present, perhaps even making eye contact, but who has gone numb inside. They have checked out emotionally while remaining in the conversation.

 

What stonewalling looks like:

Stonewalling can take many forms: going silent and refusing to respond, giving one-word answers, physically leaving the room, staring blankly, appearing to listen but offering nothing back, or a kind of emotional numbness where the person has disengaged internally even though they have not moved.

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Gottman's research found gender differences in how stonewalling tends to present. Men are more likely to physically withdraw, leaving the room or shutting down visibly. Women are more likely to emotionally disengage while remaining physically present, checking out internally while still appearing to be in the conversation. Both forms are stonewalling, and both are damaging.

 

What is actually happening:

From the outside, stonewalling can look like indifference or even coldness. The stonewalling partner may appear calm, unbothered, or like they simply do not care. But Gottman's physiological research tells a different story. When researchers measured the heart rates and stress responses of stonewalling partners, they found significant signs of overwhelm: elevated heart rate, increased cortisol, and other markers of a nervous system in distress.

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In other words, stonewalling is not a sign that someone does not care. It is usually a sign that they care so much, and are so overwhelmed, that their system has shut down to protect itself. They are not ignoring their partner out of cruelty. They have become flooded to the point where they cannot process or respond.

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The impact on the other partner:

Despite what is happening internally, the impact on the other partner is significant. Stonewalling feels like abandonment. It communicates that your feelings do not matter, that your partner would rather disappear than engage with you. The partner who is stonewalled often feels invisible and may escalate further, trying desperately to get a response. This escalation only increases the flooding that is causing the stonewalling, creating a painful cycle.

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How to work on stonewalling:

The antidote to stonewalling is taking a break in a structured way. When you feel yourself shutting down, whether physically or emotionally, the healthiest thing you can do is acknowledge it and ask for time.

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This might sound like: "I'm feeling overwhelmed and I need a break. Can we come back to this in twenty minutes?" This is different from stonewalling because you are communicating what you need and committing to return.

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During the break, it is important to actually calm your nervous system rather than continuing to ruminate about the conflict. Do something soothing: take a walk, listen to music, practice slow breathing, or engage in a physical activity. Avoid replaying the argument in your head, which will keep you activated.

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Then return to the conversation as agreed. Even if you do not feel completely ready, honoring your commitment to come back builds trust and breaks the pattern.

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How the Four Horsemen Feed Each Other

These patterns rarely exist in isolation. More often, they cascade into each other, creating a spiral that is difficult to escape.

Criticism invites defensiveness. When you attack your partner's character, they naturally protect themselves. Defensiveness, in turn, can lead to contempt if one partner feels perpetually blamed and the other feels perpetually unheard. Contempt triggers stonewalling when one partner becomes so overwhelmed by the hostility that they shut down entirely.

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Once this spiral begins, it can be hard to stop. Both partners feel justified in their responses. The criticizing partner feels that they are only trying to address legitimate problems. The defensive partner feels that they are being unfairly attacked. The contemptuous partner feels that years of frustration have earned them their disdain. The stonewalling partner feels that withdrawal is the only way to survive.

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Breaking the spiral requires someone to do something different. Someone has to soften their approach, take responsibility, express appreciation, or stay present when every instinct says to shut down. This is not easy, and it is easier when both partners understand the dynamic they are caught in.

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Changing the Pattern

If you recognize the Four Horsemen in your relationship, know that awareness is the first step. Many couples engage in these patterns without realizing it, and simply naming what is happening can begin to shift the dynamic.

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You can start by noticing your own contributions. When you are about to criticize, try a gentler approach. When you feel defensive, look for the piece you can own. When you notice contempt arising, ask yourself what resentment is underneath it that needs to be addressed. When you feel yourself shutting down, call a timeout before you fully disappear.

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These changes are easier to make when you are not already in the heat of conflict. Talking with your partner about these patterns during a calm moment, and agreeing on how you want to handle them, sets you up for success when difficult conversations arise.

Couples therapy can also help. A therapist who understands these dynamics can help you see your patterns more clearly, interrupt the cascade before it escalates, and build new habits that support rather than damage your connection.

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The way you fight shapes the relationship you build. Conflict handled well can bring you closer, deepening your understanding of each other and strengthening your bond. Conflict handled poorly, with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, erodes the foundation of the relationship over time.

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You have the power to change how you fight. It takes intention, practice, and often support. But a different kind of conflict, and a different kind of relationship, is possible.​​

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Wishing you connection even in conflict,​

Dr. Lauren

 

Lauren Smithee, Ph.D., LMFT

Deeply Rooted Therapy, PLLC

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