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Navigating Love and Transition:

What Transgender People May Feel in a Relationship After Coming Out

Dr. Lauren Smithee

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Coming out as transgender is one of the most transformative and courageous steps a person can take in their journey of self-discovery. For those in romantic relationships, it’s also a moment that deeply impacts both partners. While much focus is understandably often placed on the cisgender partner’s perspective, it’s important to consider the emotional landscape of the transgender individual as well after they disclose their gender identity to a cisgender partner.

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In this article, we’ll focus on some of the core feelings transgender people may experience in their relationship after coming out as transgender, specifically for transgender people coming out to a cisgender partner. We’ll also discuss some of the types of support they might need from their partner during this crucial time in early transition.

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This article is written to help cisgender partners to better understand what their transgender partner might be experiencing, although the information below might also be useful for transgender people and allies.

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1. Fear of Rejection or Abandonment

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While coming out is often a time of excitement and hope, it can also feel incredibly vulnerable and scary. After coming out, many transgender individuals fear that their cisgender partner may not accept them for who they truly are and that the foundation of their relationship could become shaken or damaged. The vulnerability of revealing such an intimate and personal truth can be overwhelming, especially to your main attachment figure- your partner.

 

Transgender people might worry that their cisgender partner will feel betrayed, confused, or that they will be rejected and will have to face the loss of the relationship altogether. Sadly, fear of rejection or abandonment are often compounded by years of exposure to transphobic narratives that can reinforce worries that if they come out to their partner, they risk losing everything.

 

What Your Partner Might Need:

 

Reassurance

It's vital for transgender people to hear words of reassurance and love from their partner, especially in a moment of deep emotional vulnerability. Feeling accepted and supported can significantly ease potential anxiety about rejection.

 

However, meeting this emotional need can be complicated by the cisgender partner’s emotional experiences with the disclosure process. It’s understandable that depending on how the disclosure went and how the cisgender partner is feeling about this information, immediate reassurance can be challenging.

 

It’s okay if you can’t reassure your partner right now that the relationship will remain intact. There is a lot you two need to discuss and figure out together. However, your partner is likely feeling highly vulnerable right now and may feel scared that this new information could destroy their relationship with the person they love most in the world- you. That fear is often compounded even more by shame- feeling as if it is their fault, or even that this new part of themself that they have shared with you might be seen as unworthy or unlovable. It’s hard to put into words how deep and painful that fear of rejection, abandonment, and shame can feel.

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I would recommend validating what you can about their feelings and what they have shared with you with empathic listening, while still being honest about your own needs, boundaries, and feelings. Is it possible to reassure your partner that you are committed to listening and understanding their experiences with their gender, even if you aren’t sure if the relationship will continue? If you’re hurt and need more time to process the news, can you reassure your partner that you will take time and space to be intentional about reflecting on your feelings and needs so that you can have healthy communication together later?

 

Space for Processing

Sometimes, the fear of rejection is tied to the unknown. Transgender individuals might need time and space to adjust and feel safe in how they are being received by their partner, even if the coming out process goes smoothly and as they had hoped.

 

Coming out can feel like an immense relief, but can also be emotionally exhausting. It’s helpful to remember that especially for folks who are coping with internalized transphobia and years of fear of being rejected or abandoned, it might take some time (possibly even some alone time) to process and to feel secure in the relationship again. Make sure to communicate your needs and concerns about communication during this time, if they arise.

 

2. Guilt and Self-Doubt

 

Some transgender people experience feelings of guilt after coming out, especially if they have been in a long-term relationship before disclosing their gender identity. They might worry that their partner will feel hurt or deceived, even if they didn’t intentionally hide their gender identity. The emotional burden of feeling responsible for potentially disrupting the relationship can lead to self-doubt about whether the decision to come out was the right one.

 

What Your Partner Might Need:

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Affirmation of Self-Worth

Transgender individuals may struggle with feelings of inadequacy or guilt after coming out. Encouragement from their partner and others in their support system that their identity is valid and worthy of love can be extremely comforting. Practicing self-compassion can also be incredibly helpful for both the transgender and cisgender partner during disclosure and as the trans partner’s journey of self-discovery continues.

 

Supportive Conversations

Engaging in open, honest conversations can help both partners navigate difficult emotions together. Having a non-judgmental space to express feelings without pressure is vital for understanding one another and sustaining your connection as you take steps forward.

 

Sometimes, one or both partners might need time and space or a third party to help process their emotions in a safe way. Be honest with yourself and your partner about needs and boundaries around space and seek support to have productive conversations. I would recommend seeking the support of a knowledgeable couples therapist as well as individual therapy and/or a support group to help you to understand your own feelings and needs. This can be particularly helpful if there are some experiences that you need to process more before sharing them with your partner.

 

3. Relief and Authenticity

 

In this article, I want to make sure we also hold space for some of the beauty and joy that comes with taking steps forward toward self-discovery. For many transgender individuals, coming out is an incredible relief. It can feel like a weight has been lifted, as they finally get to live authentically in a way they may have suppressed or compartmentalized for years. I’ve heard this being described as an immense relief from internal emotional pressure and a renewed sense of joy and well-being.

 

However, even in the face of relief, there can be ebbs and flows in how a transgender person is navigating their experience, as well as complexities in how their cisgender partner feels and how the relationship may change.

 

What Your Partner Might Need:

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Celebrating Their Identity

A transgender individual will likely want their partner to affirm and celebrate their identity. Acknowledging, respecting, and honoring their gender identity through changing your language to reflect their needs is incredibly important (e.g., working to adapt to use their pronouns, a name change, ect.). If possible, create a sense of teamwork with your partner and affirm and celebrate the little victories together. Embracing these moments of joy can bring you closer to your trans partner.

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Communication to Understand What “Transition” Means

It’s important for couples to have open communication throughout their transition process (not just during the disclosure process) to understand each other’s evolving needs, hopes, and dreams for the future. The term, “transition” is used broadly here and can encompass many emotional, psychological, social, and physical changes that your partner might experience as they are exploring and understanding their gender.

 

Your transgender partner might be certain about their needs and what transition means for them to achieve a sense of relief and authenticity, or this might be more of an evolving process over time. Communicating with each other often and with mutual respect and support can help both partners adjust to potential changes in the relationship over time.

4. Fear of Being Misunderstood

One of the challenges transgender people often face after disclosure is the fear that they will be misunderstood by their partner. A transgender person may worry that their identity will be viewed with skepticism and regarded as a “phase” rather than being trusted and understood. This fear can lead to feelings of isolation, anxiety, and frustration. This can be particularly true for those with a cisgender partner who (understandably) cannot fully relate to what their partner might be going through as they come out.

 

What Your Partner Might Need:

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Validation and Active Listening

It’s crucial for the cisgender partner to listen actively, without judgment, and to affirm their partner’s experiences. The transgender individual may need help explaining their feelings, and having a partner who is open and curious can make a big difference in helping them to feel emotionally seen, understood, and supported. As I have previously discussed, meeting this emotional need is often complicated by the cisgender partner’s experiences with processing the disclosure and the emotional needs they have as well.

 

I would recommend being honest about information that you are struggling to understand and compassionately set boundaries with your partner around topics you need more time to process. Consider seeking the support of an educated couples therapist with experience working with transitioning couples to help navigate these conversations, especially early on after disclosure.

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Ongoing Education

While the cisgender partner does not need to become an expert on gender identity, education from trusted sources can be reassuring for the transgender partner, while also providing support to the cisgender partner. When possible, learning together can strengthen the relationship and can lead to feelings of teamwork, bonding, and can spark deeper conversations about the future. Attending support groups, reading books, or speaking with professionals about topics related to transgender health can help both partners better understand the journey that they are embarking on together and can deepen a sense of teamwork.

 

Conclusion: A Journey of Love and Understanding

 

Coming out as transgender is not only a personal journey but also a shared experience for those in romantic relationships. The coming out process can be filled with fear, excitement, vulnerability, and joy, and it’s important for both partners to communicate openly, offer mutual support, and be patient with each other.

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For transgender people, knowing that their partner accepts them for who they truly are and that they are willing to grow alongside them in this journey can make all the difference. By fostering a relationship based on trust, respect, and love, both partners can navigate the challenges of transition and emerge stronger together as they support one another.

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Remember, love is not defined by gender but by mutual understanding, empathy, and connection.

 

In solidarity,

Dr. Lauren

Lauren Smithee, Ph.D., LMFT

Deeply Rooted Therapy, PLLC

Are you ready to begin gender-affirming relationship therapy?

Deeply Rooted Therapy, PLLC

Lauren Smithee, Ph.D., LMFT

2943 Parkway Blvd, #344

Salt Lake City, UT 84119

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