​​Rebuilding trust after it has been broken is one of the most challenging yet transformative journeys a couple can undertake. Research from the Gottman Institute highlights that trust is not just about forgiveness but fostering an ongoing emotional connection. The ATTUNE framework—developed as part of the Gottman Method—provides a structured, evidence-based approach to restore trust and deepen emotional intimacy.

​

“Trust is a continuous process of building and maintaining connection.”

~ Dr. John Gottman

​

ATTUNE stands for Awareness, Turning Toward, Tolerance, Understanding, Non-defensive Listening, and Empathy, and its effectiveness lies in its ability to promote healthy communication, emotional validation, and mutual understanding. Here’s how couples can use this method to heal and strengthen their bond.

 

Awareness

​

What It Means:

Awareness involves being mindful of your partner’s emotional world, including their thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of their experiences. Your desire to “see” your partner is a critical first step towards building trust, since you need to be aware of their emotional experiences to turn towards them. This step helps couples become more emotionally attuned to each other, laying the groundwork for building trust.

​

How to Practice It:

• Consciously acknowledge your partner’s emotions with interest and care. Even simple questions like “What was your day like today?” provide an opportunity to check in on their emotional state.

• Observe your partner’s nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions or body language.

• Minimize distractions during conversations to show full presence and attention.

 

Why It Works:

Research from the Gottman Institute emphasizes that emotional awareness enhances a partner’s ability to respond with care and reduces misunderstandings, fostering an environment of mutual respect and trust.

 

Turning Toward

​

What It Means:

Turning toward your partner means responding positively to their bids for connection and trying to enter your partner’s emotional world. Turning towards your partner shows that you care about them enough to make an effort to be emotionally available, engaged, and to reach out when you sense that they need to connect with you. These small, everyday moments build what Dr. John Gottman calls the emotional "love bank," which strengthens relational trust over time. While it tends to be much easier to turn towards your partner in moments of positivity, it is just as important, if not more important to do so when your partner is experiencing emotional pain. Turning towards demonstrates that you want to more deeply understand your partner’s emotional experiences, regardless of what they are feeling. 

​

How to Practice It:

• Respond to your partner’s needs with interest and attentiveness, even in minor daily interactions.

• Engage in daily rituals of connection with your partner, such as sharing meals or having a meaningful check in after work.

• Avoid dismissing or ignoring your partner’s emotional bids, as this can erode trust.

 

Why It Works:

Gottman Method research shows that couples who consistently turn toward each other during moments of connection have stronger emotional bonds and are better equipped to repair after conflict.

​

Tolerance

​

What It Means:

Tolerance is about considering and accepting differences in your partner’s feelings, perspectives, or experiences without judgment. Working to build tolerance of each other’s emotional worlds helps to create an emotionally safe space for open and honest communication. Building tolerance does not mean that you have to agree with your partner’s perspective. Rather, it’s about being willing to validate and respect their emotions, regardless of how uncomfortable you might feel.

​

How to Practice It:

• Accept that your partner’s emotions are valid, even if they differ from your own.

• Approach disagreements with curiosity to better understand their view point rather than criticism.

• Avoid dismissive statements such as “It’s not a big deal” or “At least you…” These messages can communicate to your partner that their feelings aren’t valid or important to you.

• Manage your own emotional reactions through techniques like deep breathing or pausing before responding.

 

Why It Works:

Studies indicate that tolerance reduces defensiveness and fosters a sense of safety, encouraging both partners to share vulnerably without fear of rejection.

 

Understanding

 

What It Means:

Understanding involves actively listening to your partner’s perspective and working to truly comprehend their perspective. This step bridges emotional gaps and fosters deeper empathy. Your partner must experience your attempts to understand them before you share your own emotions or experiences, otherwise they can feel invalidated or worse- unseen or unimportant.

 

How to Practice It:

• Ask open-ended questions to explore their thoughts and feelings. Ask, “How did you feel when…?” instead of yes or no questions like, “Were you sad?”

• Avoid interrupting or prematurely offering advice. Instead, focus on truly understanding your partner.

• Ask clarifying questions when needed like, “Can you help me understand…?” or “What did it feel like when you…?”

 

Why It Works:

According to the Gottman Institute, understanding strengthens relational trust by showing that both partners value each other’s experiences and are willing to prioritize connection over conflict.

 

Non-Defensive Listening

 

What It Means:

Non-defensive listening is about hearing your partner without reacting defensively or shifting blame. Non-defensive listening encourages your partner to open up to you. This emotional vulnerability helps to open communication and deepen trust. 

 

How to Practice It:

• Remind yourself that your role as the listener is not to defend yourself, but to help your partner to feel comfortable clarifying their emotions and perspective. 

• Approach discussions with curiosity and non-judgment rather than defensiveness.

• Paraphrase or summarize their words to ensure clarity and validation. Pay particular attention to any emotional wounds they experienced, as these are opportunities to turn towards them to build empathy and trust.

• Resist the urge to interrupt or dismiss your partner’s concerns.

• Remind yourself that their emotions are not a personal attack but an invitation to understand their needs and to build trust.

 

Why It Works:

Research from the Gottman Institute highlights that defensiveness is one of the "Four Horsemen" of relationship breakdowns. Non-defensive listening counteracts this by fostering open dialogue and mutual respect.

 

Empathy

 

What It Means:

Empathy is the ability to understand and “feel” your partner’s emotions. It is the cornerstone of emotional connection and the ultimate trust-builder. Regardless of how much you feel empathy towards your partner, your response to their emotions is what ultimately determines how seen and understood your partner feels. Empathy involves working to build a true, caring understanding of what it was like to experience what your partner felt and then communicating this with your words, body language, and actions.

 

How to Practice It:

• Validate your partner’s emotions by expressing understanding and care. For example, say, “It’s understandable why you’d feel that way. I’m here for you.”

• Offer supportive gestures, such as a hug, loving eye contact, or kind words to demonstrate care.

• Momentarily step away from your own perspective and imagine what it was like to experience what your partner did to build empathy.

• Hold space for your partner’s emotions with tenderness and kindness.

 

Why It Works:

Empathy creates a sense of shared emotional experience, helping couples feel deeply connected. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that empathetic interactions significantly improve trust and relational satisfaction.

 

Putting It All Together

​

Rebuilding trust is not a singular event but a continuous process of emotional attunement. By practicing the ATTUNE method, couples can foster a safe and supportive environment where trust can be strengthened over time. Research-backed strategies, such as those embedded in the Gottman Method, provide actionable tools for lasting change. Here are a couple more tips to deepen your practice:

1. Be Patient: Rebuilding trust takes time. Celebrate incremental progress and acknowledge the effort both partners contribute.

2. Seek Professional Support: A therapist trained in the Gottman Method Therapy such as myself can offer tailored strategies and guidance to enhance the ATTUNE process.

 

By integrating the ATTUNE steps into daily life, couples can not only repair broken trust but also create a deeper, more resilient foundation for their relationship. The journey may be challenging, but the reward is a relationship defined by mutual respect, understanding, and enduring love.

​

You can learn more about building trust and emotional attunement from Dr. John Gottman below:

​​

​

​

​

​

​

​

 

 

​Wishing you and your partner growth and healing,

Dr. Lauren

Lauren Smithee, Ph.D., LMFT

Deeply Rooted Therapy, PLLC